June 1, 2011

According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, about 1% of the population in America are homeless. I am a statistic. I blame Obama.

I am going to be homeless for the next month. A tent in the Lubbock "tent city" will be where I sleep. In hopes of taking the city of Lubbock, I've formulated a plan in which I will rise to power in Tent City, raising an army of indigent and marching on City Hall. I'm not sure what our demands will be, but blood will surely run in the streets. Stay away from the blood, fine citizens, the CDC says that Hepatitis and HIV are prevalent in the homeless population. There go my hopes of becoming blood brothers with some of these guys.

For this month, I will not have access to a car or stay with friends. I am taking with me a tent, backpack, and bicycle. Unfortunately, I was unable to take a month off from my job for this month so I will be one of the few homeless in Lubbock with a 9-5. Each day that I work, I will pay myself $10. This will be my only source of income. My expenses are listed at the right of the page, and will be updated daily. Another daily update will be the Sign of the Day also seen at the right of the page. In the interest of full disclosure, I have two trips planned for this month. These weekends will, basically, be weekends off from homelessness.

I hope that I will get to know some of the fine characters who walk the streets of Lubbock. But, my ultimate dream is that, by the end of the month, I will be this guy:

One of the advantages of being homeless is that, not only are you (apparently) allowed to scream obscenities, but fully expected to. It. Is. ON! There are so many things that I've always wanted to rail against with an audience. I don't care if the audience is just a few innocent library patrons. They will hear me outline all of my grievances with the world we live in. "WHO'S TO SAY THAT I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS!!! COMM-UUUU-NIIIIISTTSS!" And, this is just one of the things that I plan to do this month. I've compiled this list to ensure that I accomplish all that I want:

1.) Panhandle. I'm always surprised at how uncreative some people are with their panhandlin'. "Say, man. I ran out of gas. You got two dollars?" Come on. You really think I believe that crap? You're unwrapping a brand new pack of cigarettes.

2.) Wash Windshields. I have never seen this in person, but I have seen in the movies where a homeless person will wash windshields without permission at a stoplight and then expect to be paid. I can't wait to try it.

3.) Hop a Train. This is the activity I am most excited about. I just hope I don't have to share my boxcar with a fellow wanderer...or wind up in Atlanta.

4.) Wash my clothes in a public fountain. Oh, you're trying to take a picture by this Buddy Holly statue that my underwear are hanging on? Better wait until they're dry, sir. You can't rush these things.

5.) Defecate in public. This is the ultimate homeless act. Nothing says "society has abandoned me and I'm returning the favor" quite like taking a shit on the sidewalk.

6.) Form a dance team comprised of all homeless people. Who else has all day every day to dedicate to learning a complicated dance routine? Of course, the first routine will be "Thriller" so that maybe someone will be tricked into thinking that the zombie apocalypse really has begun.

We'll see how many of these I can accomplish. I'll try and post daily to let everyone know that I haven't been beaten for a can of SpaghettiO's. I'm staying tonight (hopefully) at the Salvation Army here in town. I assume it will be much like my time at the Howard Johnson.