June 2, 2011

Last night I stayed at the Salvation Army. I arrived to find an older guy wearing sunglasses arguing with the clerk over a rule at the facility. The clerk had him read some particular rule that he had violated, and it seemed to satisfy the disgruntled patron. He picked up his white cane (the kind that blind people use) and walked out the door. When my turn came, I was told by the guy behind the glass that I could not bring my bike inside. I explained to the guy, who seemed nice enough, that I did not have a lock and chain. He replied that he was unable to accomodate my transportation so I rode a few blocks away and put the bike in a dumpster. Luckily, it was still there in the morning.

I returned and was asked to fill out some paperwork and read a list of rules while the clerk gathered a clean sheet, pillowcase, and towel for me to use. Then, I was shown my room by what appeared to be an elder statesman of the facility. He was obviously homeless and had been for many years. He looks quite a bit like Blue from Old School and I put his age right around 112. We leave the reception area and head through a remotely locked door to the men's side of the place. The women's side is just opposite the men's, across the reception area. The door locks behind us and we head to my room. It feels a bit like we're being held captive by the Salvation Army. No one is allowed to leave their side of the facility once they've checked in unless it's for one of the hourly smoke breaks.

I'm sharing a room with two black guys. One guy is older and looks very similar to Junior Kimbrough. There are no introductions, but I gather that he goes by "Blackie." The other guy is about 30, weighs close to 300 pounds and is always eating something. I don't catch his name, but he looks like a perfect "Wendell." Wendell is snacking on some potato chips while Blackie and another guy (who does not share our room) "Tutu" talk about Tutu's latest stint in the Lubbock County jail. It quickly becomes apparent that Tutu and Wendell are unemployed and have no notions of changing that situation. They decide that they will go to Copper Caboose tomorrow because "their mushrooms is off the chain." They then begin arguing over the price of the mushrooms but Blackie doesn't have time for this as he has to wake up early and get to his job at Whataburger. He instructs them to leave the room so he can get some sleep.

By this time, I have finished putting sheets on my bed (I took the top bunk) so I follow Wendell and Tutu out to the TV Room. There's a big screen TV there, but it's one of those that you have to sit perpendicular to the viewing plane to be able to see. About 20 of us gather around and watch Conan the Barbarian. A buzzer sounds and everyone stands up and heads for the remotely locked door. Apparently, the guard has left his post and this seems to really piss everyone off as four or five people press the button on the call box next to the door. It begins to look like we're about to forcefully liberate ourselves from the Salvation Army when the guard responds to the call box. Everyone screams at the call box that it's time for a smoke break and the guard unlocks the door. We stream out and head for the main doors as the women do the same from their side. A young, hispanic couple meet up and walk around to the back of the building. I become worried that the homeless population is about to rise by one during the smoke break. I find that my fear is sustained when the guy returns with a hickey on his neck.

After the break, we all go back inside just in time for the end of Conan the Barbarian. There are several loud cheers when Conan chops off Thulsa Doom's head. I feel uneasy about the bloodlust when the credits roll and one guy (who appears to consider himself a sort of leader of the group) stands and announces that the wake up call is at 5:00 and we should all turn in now. He's short with a big belly that hangs out the bottom of his shirt and I decide to call him Sarge. Lights out is at 10:30, but it's only 10:00 so nobody really responds and he goes to his room. I decide to head to my room and Wendell follows. He's opening a box of Hot Tamales as he gets into bed. Blackie is already asleep when we enter the room and Wendell is asleep a few minutes later. I can understand why Sarge wanted everyone to go to bed as Conan the Destroyer is blaring from the TV room. The TV is turned off at 10:30 and Wendell wakes up. He says "hey" just a few decibels softer than his normal voice, and when I don't answer, he lets out a fart that lasts no less than ten seconds. I decide that I'm going to answer the next time Wendell says "hey."

We wake up at 5:00 at which time everyone is supposed to do their chores. My chore is to sweep and mop the dining room after breakfast which is at 6:30 so I just kind of mill about. Wendell and another black guy finish their chores pretty quick and they join me in the TV room where Home Improvement is on. I assume this marks the first time that a black person has seen Home Improvement. At 6:30 we all go into the dining room where breakfast is cereal. Everyone takes their seats. Joining those who stayed the night at the Salvation Army are some more homeless people who only come for the meals. One of these guys is wearing scrubs and could be mistook for a doctor if it weren't for the old, dingy fanny pack around his waist. I guess he fancies himself as some sort of a doctor as he sits down and begins to remark that he doesn't eat Froot Loops anymore because they're too sharp. "These are our internal organs, man!" he excitedly tells some guy who is not looking up from his bowl. I guess the FDA has overlooked the fact that cereal has been scratching esophaguses and stomachs for years.

After breakfast, I begin sweeping and mopping. The only people left in the dining room are the doctor and Sarge. They have an apparent "meeting of the minds" as the doctor begins talking economics to Sarge (who says that he is one semester away from an Associate's degree in business). When I finish my chore, the doctor is exclaiming that the numbers on his bank statement represent gold. He seems very excited about all of this, but I can't take his constant ramblings any more and I head out. Everyone else has already cleared out and are walking in different directions. I tell the desk clerk that I will be leaving for the day, but returning tonight. He tells me that check-in ends at 9:45 and I go to collect my bike.